Choan Kalah Mazeltov is a song invariably sung at traditional Jewish weddings. However, amidst the joy of a wedding ceremony (which can resemble a Paramount Profuctions shoot in it proportions) lie some serious questions and issue: is this a match made in heaven, or at a Bobba’s (granny’s) bridge game? These are the concerns of Graeme Greenstein, a Johannesburg-based Family Law attorney. “I see it over and over, If an unobjective decision is taken to marry, the union is usually not stable enough to overcome daily routine,” he says: “If couples are aware of the life-long ramifications of their decision to marry, I believe more caution would be exercised. Greenstein says it is not uncommon for young people to meet through eager family and friends. A possible shirag between respective grandparents is discussed, phone numbers are swapped and a meeting is set up. Notions such as “he comes from a good family” or “she is a doctor and a medical degree is transportable internationally” convince the couple that “this can work”. Outside forces are playing a huge part in this relationship.
After the first date, reports are submitted to the respective camps and the urgency of the situation is communicated: “My girl, you are 27 and your biological clock is ticking. “My boy, she comes from a tremendous family and her father has done incredibly well. For the parents and grandparents there is no debate. After the first few dates, an invitation to Shabat (Sabbath) is mooted, and accepted. At the Shabat table everyone is in awe of the concept of the shirag and deep in the back of Bobba’s mind is that song. Chosan Kalah Mazeltov. Suddenly the two sets of parents, who never knew ne another socially before, are mixing socially.
“Having courted for two months, the idea of marriage is introduced without, I believe, due consideration. Outside forces, not a developing love or one another, is bulldozing the relationship forward,” says Greenstein. Within a few months, the classified advertisement tells a story. Frantic wedding preparations again effectively weep the evaluation of life changing decisions under the carpet. What will Chosan and Kalah wear, where and when will they wed, can overseas relatives attend, how long is the honeymoon. Eventually the wedding date arrives and respective wedding vows are taken. At the reception Lachiems” (“cheers”) are enjoyed by everyone. Chosan makes a speech and expresses his undying love for Kalah, the most beautiful bride in the whole world, what a wonderful family she has and what a wonderful person she is. After the wedding ceremony, Chosan and Kalah go on honeymoon and everything they do is bigger and better. It is perfect.
Having returned from the honeymoon, pictures are exchanged of the wedding and the air is full of expectation. Possibly a townhouse is bought for Chosan and Kalah. However, the excitement is now over and they have to continue with their respective careers and mundane household chores, Just before any real communication can be established, Bobba pipes up around the Shabat table with “my girl, when I was your age I already had three children”. Nine months later, a son is born and another production ensues: the bris (circumcision). Caterers a video company and nursery decorators are called in. The flurry of activity and baby talk has again disguised the need to evaluate life changing decisions.
Once Bobba and Zeda (grandfather) have got their respective photographs and the activity has died down, Chosan and Kalah are left to face real issues • a screaming baby, being up all night, being housebound with little Joshua. Suddenly they are spending more time together, alone. Not being able to dilute one another’s company with friends, conversation is reduced to small talk. Prior to this, everything has been agreed for them, eliminating the need to have any real arguments or establish healthy communication patterns. A decision can now be taken to work on building a good relationship or to continue to allowing pressure to negatively affect them. Despite one or two more children, if the latter decision is made, Ma can expect one day to hear the words “I want to get divorced”.
“The compounded effects of a poor decision during courtship can never be fully explained,” says Greenstein, “The conception of children into this relationship has further complicated already strained communication patterns. I am now introduced into the scene, to sort through the hurt, anger and stubbornness that has been created.” “Decisions made during courtship can have a direct effect on the longevity of the relationship. To take this lightly can potentially translate into a divorce and trauma for children.
The sad thing about the story is that the parties never really got to know one another From the time the shirag was conceived until the child was brought home, a lifestyle was built on preconceived notions. No meaningful communication ever took place. No doubt intentions were good, but Chosan and Kalah sold themselves, and their children, short of a happy home.
“If I am to generalise and pinpoint one reason for the increase in divorce among young people, I believe lack of communication is the leading reason. That and marrying the idea of marriage, not a partner, are reasons sited over and over again.” When all the glitz and glamour is over, it takes more than promises of bigger and better to sustain a marriage. As society has changed, so the change in traditional pressures and stresses should change. Gone are the days of when *I was 30 I had four children” or “her dad is a lawyer and mom a doctor she comes from a good background” “If young people continue to make in conceived decisions to marry, our ever increasing divorce rate will continue to spiral.” says Greenstein. “Forget about the biological clock and the Paramount Production wedding. Instead make sure you are marrying the right person for you to keep the divorce rate from spiralling. Carefully considered decisions, hard work and good communication keep Chosan Kalah Mazeltov from becoming Chosan Kalah Oi Vey!
Graeme Greenstein can be contacted on (011) 447-6007 or email gsteinsa@mweb.co.za
